It’s just G.
My name is Gage Krakower. I am 25 years old and I feel like I should not be alive today. The meaning behind “It’s just G.” is what I am going to be diving into on this post. It was in 2015 when my life changed. I still remember to this day when I received the text from my brother and mother saying that my dad had killed himself. I was living with an ex-girlfriend at the time and had not spoken to my father for the last year of his life. This was due to the fact that I was angry with him for cheating on my mother when my entire life I had looked up to him as my role model for the way in which he had treated her. You can only imagine the shock and heartbreak I felt when I read that text from my brother. The reason why they had to text me this devastating news is because I was not answering my phone due to the fact it was on Do Not Disturb. The day of my father’s wake I showed up late because I was still angry at him. I was too young to fully grasp the severity of the situation because my entire life I had never dealt with anything serious. My brothers had always protected me from any situation that I was unable to take care of myself. I still remember the feeling I felt when I walked into the building that day and saw my father’s casket. The amount of guilt that I felt for not speaking to him is something that I still struggle with to this day. I could not speak when I was at the wake because I couldn’t look any of my family members in the eyes. I was ashamed that I had not spoken to the man who had my entire life taken care of me when he did not have to. He had adopted me and my two brothers when we were young. The only thoughts I had in my mind were “Was it my fault that he killed himself?”, “What if I was talking to him and I could have made a difference in this situation.”, or “Why didn’t my family tell me that my father was suicidal.”
Two weeks go by after my father’s suicide and my ex-girlfriend decides to kick me out of her house because she is pregnant with her exes kid. This was another major blow to my emotional state because I had assumed I would always be with this girl. That is how I feel with every girl because I love hard. During the time I was living with this girl, who was a recovering drug addict, I had developed my own drug addiction. It was to Adderall. I remember how we would spend numerous nights in a row just taking it like it could have no effect on our bodies or mental state what so ever. So, after I move back into my mother’s house I am lost, confused, and heartbroken. I had just been dealt with two major situations that I could not process at the age of 23. It is sad to say but I could not figure out if I was more heart broken because of my father’s suicide or because I could not understand how a human being could at an individual’s lowest moment decide to tell them they no longer loved them and had another individual’s baby on the way. Over the course of the next six months I started to further develop my addiction to Adderall. Six months into living back at my mother’s house, I am dealt with another major emotional setback. To this day I still remember thinking that my mom and step-dad were going to be kicking me out of the house when they came into my room together. That was not the case. It turned out they wanted to tell me that my mother had just been diagnosed with Stage 3 Breast Cancer and that she would have to undergo chemotherapy treatments.
Here I was at 23 years old. Already lost my father. Now I was beyond worried that I was going to lose my mother. I don’t know if anyone who reads this ever had to watch someone go through chemotherapy but it is by far one of the saddest and heart wrenching things to watch an individual go through. Images of seeing my mother without her hair and bald to this day still makes me upset. To make matters worse, I couldn’t fully be there for her because at the time I was angry that she had not told me my father was saying he was going to kill himself. My family was broken after my father’s suicide. If it was not for my step-dad Charlie, I do not know if my mother would have been able to fight the battle against cancer and win. He was the one who went to all of her treatments, drove her to her treatments, etc. I do not think me and my siblings were able to go to them because we could not bare to have to see another parent in a life or death situation. I have nothing but the upmost respect for Charlie. It just sucks he had to come into my life at a moment where I had just lost my father. While all of this is happening, I begin talking to a girl from my hometown who looking back at it was the girl of my dreams. I am not going to go into names or details out of the respect that I have for this woman. She does not know this but if it wasn’t for her being there for me, unknowingly, for the six months after my mother’s diagnosis that I would have killed myself. I had stopped talking to all of my friends after my dad died. It was her who made me feel like I could have a connection with a human being again. To this day I regret ever hooking up with her and having a sexual relationship. This is because after the fact I realize I cherished the friendship we had way more then I cherish the sex we had.
While I was speaking to this girl from home, I was hiding the fact from her I was a drug addict. I was taking about 10 Adderall’s a day at this point. Give or take. So after we had a falling out, I began the battle of my life. When she stopped talking to me, I decided that I was going to by any means get this woman back. Even though she would not answer my texts or calls, I was determined because it was around this time I started thinking Oliver from OVO was speaking to me through my phone and telling me how him and Drake were able to make it in the music industry. Obviously it was not Oliver but I did not find that out until about a year after the fact and I was almost dead. But let me get back to the beginning. I thought I had found a secret message in the lyrics of songs by my favorite rappers. It was first Drake’s lyrics that I began studying hard since he was and still is one of my biggest role models. Ever since Degrassi. Studying his lyrics, literally every song that he made that was on the internet, is what lead to me developing a voice in my head that told me Oliver was talking to me through my phone. Now, keep in mind that I am on so much Adderall that I am analyzing these lyrics and beyond. I was also at this time trying to help out a few of my friends by promoting their music because I had assumed that if Oliver was showing me the way I could get them all signed and get back the girl of my dreams. The voice in my head then told me to start studying lyrics of other artists and that’s when the true battle began.
I started to study and write down analysis of the lyrics by artists Kanye West, Jay-Z, Tupac, Biggie Smalls, Nas, and Lil Wayne. While I was doing this I was staying up all night trying to figure out exactly how they did it. Listening to all of their songs since I knew how to illegally download any album or track that I wanted. Torrents man. They were something else. But the more I started studying these artists lyrics the more I wanted to learn about their stories beyond the music. So I started googling information on them. While listening to their music. Over the course of a year I did this. And one night all of a sudden I had numerous voices in my head and they were all claiming to be the artists that I was studying. They all told me that I was the next in line to be the biggest artist in the world. All I had to do was keep writing down the thoughts in my head on the application notepad and all would be well. Little did I know that these were demons. The lyrics that I was writing down were by far the darkest and most evil things I had ever seen. They were hot don’t get me wrong. These lyrics would have sold. But it was because that is what Satan wanted. While I was studying these artists, I also was studying on the Illuminati. These voices in my head kept telling me if I continue doing what I do I can join them at the secret table. That all I had to do was stay up for seven days promoting the music, taking Adderall, and studying. As a music lover I did this. This was the first time in my life that I knew God and the Devil were real.
I was able to stay up for the seven days straight. I was so determined to get the woman of my dreams back that I did not care if I died trying. Over the course of these seven days the voices in my head started telling me to do things. I would listen. They wanted me to sell my soul at the end of the seven days. The voices said they have all done it. In order to sell my soul, I had to kill my mother and my sister. The voices said they had all killed someone in their lives and that is why they are were they are at in life. Now mind you while this is all going on I start to develop a serpent like tongue in my mouth. It had two sides with a cut down the middle. It would continuously lick my lips every single time the voices in my head mentioned killing my mother and sister. The voices also wanted me to kill myself but they knew I was too much of a coward to do that. Meanwhile, while the voices are telling me to do these horrible things, I am also being told by them that the woman will be arriving to my house at the end of the seven days otherwise she will be killed. I was also seeing green things around my house that I was convinced were coming to get my soul and my mothers. It was on the seventh day when I had my first encounter with the Devil. I never admitted this to anyone but I was going to kill myself. I did not want to kill my mother or my sister. Obviously. But I had already agreed on selling my soul to these voices in my head. I had to either kill myself or them. This is also around the time I increased my Adderall intake to 15 a night. I was going to do it until I heard a voice in my head that said “Gage, it’s your father. I am so sorry that you have felt this low for not speaking to me before I killed myself. I forgive you. I also want to let you know that I have went and got God because I thought these voices were helping you until I realized they were the darkest demons I have been around. I told God that I sold my soul so that you didn’t have to. I told him that if I had to spend the eternity in hell that I would because my entire life I had not thought any of you children appreciated what I did for you guys but every single night when you were promoting these individuals music you kept writing In Loving Memory of M.W.K and you didn’t realize it but the moment you decided to make It’s just G. your slogan is the moment when God and I started watching over everything you were doing. I love you Gage and now I am going to let God talk to you.”
This is when I got so nervous. My entire life I had sinned. Still do to this day. But the feeling that I felt when God came to me is the most magical feeling in the world. The voices instantly said “The big man is coming everyone leave.” and that is when God said “Gage what are you doing? I came to you because your father personally asked me to. You are not suppose to be dying but you are killing yourself. Please go to your bag and throw the prescription bottle down the toilet.” Now mind you that never in a million years would I have thrown an entire bottle of Adderall down the toilet but I knew that I would do anything God asked me to. So I went downstairs and dumped it into the toilet. Afterwards, I laid down on my bed and God and I had a heart to heart. He tells me what my purpose is here on Earth and that he came to me so that I can be a vessel to spread his message. He also showed me things that I have to talk about when the time is right and that I will go further into details on future posts. While we are having this heart to heart God stops talking and goes “Gage, there is one more Adderall underneath your clothes in your bag. Do with it as you may. You can either throw it away or take it and be done with them for good.” Obviously I threw it down the toilet.
To this day I still deal with the struggles of suicidal thoughts and mental illness. If you experience nervousness or shakiness inside, dizziness and faintness, the idea that someone else can control your thoughts, feeling easily annoyed and irritated, feeling afraid in open space or in public, have trouble remembering things, poor appetite, heart or chest pains, thoughts of killing yourself, feel like people dislike you, feel lonely even when your with people, or have trouble falling asleep. I feel these things all the time. Don’t let the stigma of mental health in society stop you from speaking up and seeking the help that you need. God saved my life for me to speak up and out about this. I’d rather be criticized for being honest and have people call me “crazy” then hide behind false emotions and fake it through everyday. That’s because I know my thoughts don’t control my actions. I am passionate about this because when I was barely living it was the thought that maybe it could be better then where I was at at the time that kept me alive. Thank you God. I now know what the true meaning behind “It’s just G.” is and I am going to be spreading this message to the masses.
It’s just G.