Suicidal Thoughts.

 

suicide

 

When I had my mental breakdown there was periods of time where I would black out due to lack of sleep and it would be for periods of about 20-30 minutes. During these periods of black outs I would be typing into my notes on my computer about things that I would not remember when I came out of my blackout. Yesterday, I was fortunate enough to receive an email from my best friend from home titled “Suicidal Thoughts” that was a huge email consisting of things that I do not remember typing to her. The first paragraph consists of a major theme and figure that played a role in my mental breakdown and that is Kanye West. The paragraph states that it was Kanye West’s music who saved my life and this was due to the fact that his music showed me the light to God and that I am a first-hand witness that not only did God come into my soul but that my father did too. When my father and I said our final goodbyes, my dad told me that he had to go for now but that he would be back from time to time but that it was going to be okay from here on out. That is when I broke down into complete tears because I had finally gotten the one thing I had wanted the most for the last two years of my life and that was for my father to not only say that he was sorry for what he had done but also for him to hear that I was sorry for not speaking to him for a year before he died. Also, that it had taken me into the pits of hell he was in. That is when I told my father I was pursuing a path to find a platform in order to spread my message that I was giving by God and that this message was in loving memory of him. This was the only way I felt that I would be able to make up for the biggest mistake in my life and that was not forgiving my father for cheating on my mother and not speaking to him before he killed himself for a year. I finally had come to the realization that individuals make mistakes and that they deserve to be forgiving. That is why I will always forgive individuals for things that they do, although I will never forget. I will forgive because I am the only person I know who had not forgiven someone for a thing they did and that individual died before I was able to.. Unfortunately it had to be my father. It is the hardest thing in this world to overcome, the guilt and pain that comes from it. It is something to this day I still struggle with mightily. I am only able to deal with it on a day to day basis because I know that if I develop a platform for myself in order to spread my message and story, that if I am able to even save another individual’s life from killing themselves, then I have done my job here on Earth. I have already saved one person’s life from killing themselves and it was the most important persons, my own.

The reason why God was able to come into my soul and speak to me was because of the fact that for the course of a year I was writing into the notes of my iTunes music catalog “In Loving Memory of M.W.K”. I was doing this because the songs that I was listening to I thought were speaking to me through him. It was the song “Saint Pablo” by Kanye West that saved my life. I texted my friend Connor Hank every night saying that I would never stop playing it because of the fact I was hearing a message in it. The message was “I had to put my ego aside when confidence was my last resort. I know you got a plan, I know you got a beam. One set of footsteps you was carrying me.” This message is what kept me going every single night. The faith that I had in God having a plan. I am living proof that you can come back from your own personal hell and make it to heaven. That is due to the fact that I agreed to selling my soul to the devil but God intervened and did not allow me to. It was the fact that I turned to God every single night that saved me when I made that awful decision. When the voices started to develop further in my head one of them called themselves Kanye West. This voice confirmed every single thing that I thought the lyrics were telling me. From the media depicting him dead after his car crash to the fact that he wanted to just change racism in America. When he had his car crash he told me that God came to him and saved his life but that he had to have a purpose in this world with spreading Gods message and that’s what he tried doing through his music and that I was the one individual whose soul he woke up with it. Now obviously I know it was not truly Kanye speaking these words to me. That is when this voice also told me that him and I were the only individuals in this world that would know exactly what happened the other night and that it was the most devastating thing they have ever heard because it was truly my father speaking to me and that it was truly him telling me how sorry he was for killing himself and that if he could go back and do things differently he would. And that is when he said he heard me say sorry for not speaking to him for the last year of his life but also for not realizing it was okay for individuals to make mistakes. That one day you would do exactly what you couldn’t do with him, forgive someone. Before all of this happened I was freaking out to the point where I thought the illuminati was going to kill me because I had come across their secret and Satan’s, that they try and get people to sell their souls by having them figure out the secret behind their lyrics. I was asked by the voices in my head to stay up for seven days straight and that if I sell my soul to them that I would be able to get everything that I wanted and more. It was on the fifth day that I started developing the darkest thoughts in my life. It’s also around this day that my father spoke to me because I was at my lowest point and told me that the entire point of this whole thing was that either God or the devil comes to you when your pursuing joining the illuminati and every single person who has done what I did have had the devil come into them and follow the things the voices in their head wanted them to do. Since the devil has control of their soul now. On the seventh day I had God come into my soul. During the seven days I had numerous voices come into my head and tell me how the Illuminati worked. They showed me all of the props in the videos they use to generate individuals towards the devil, they showed me all of the lyrics in their songs, and they told me how they do things secretly to generate more individuals towards their cult. I was told that I was able to find them because I had a great ear for music and was able to believe in the lyrics that they were rapping. During this time every single night, the voices would tell me that if I kill my mother or sister that I would not have to kill myself on the last day. That if I killed one of them I would get all of the riches in the world and be able to become famous. They also told me that none of them were able to handle the darkness for more than three days because of how hard it becomes. On the seventh day when God was coming into my soul all of the voices said “The big guy is coming” and they also all claimed that this was the most remarkable thing anyone involved in the illuminati have seen because not only were they not expecting me to get through this but that the only reason God was sent into my life was because I was the only person in my head that did not for a single second know my father was going to kill himself. And that if I did I would have every single day tried to stop him. It was the belief that better days were coming because of the Illuminati that stopped myself from killing myself, I put myself through the pain that he was in and I know understand why he did it and it made me feel awful. That is when God told me that the devil and demons were trying to brainwash me for seven days. That Satan was the leader of music, with his ways being all over the rap industry and that they wanted me to kill my sister or mother because I would lose my soul to him. That is also when I was told that I know have to carry out a mission in my life because I now know the biggest secret in the world. I know that the illuminati is real and that it is ran by the devil. God told me that this is going to be the hardest battle of my life but that it’s pre-written. Which was another major theme of my breakdown.

Now, like I said previously this was all written while during a black out stage of my mental breakdown. So it is either myself that subconsciously wrote this or it was God writing it through me. It was either attributed to my mental state or it is the complete truth. Which option do you think it is? I think that I am here to not only spread awareness on Mental Health and Suicide prevention but that I am here to expose the devil. I am here to make every single person realize that he is real and that he tries to get people through rap music. That he tries to get individuals to give him their souls by attacking individuals minds. It is something that I still am dealing with today. The struggle of knowing what I know. I will be explaining in another post this story in more detail.

It’s just G. 

 

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