It’s just G. Vol. 2
Growing up, I looked up to one individual and that was my father Marty Krakower. When I was in the second grade my last name changed from Healy to Krakower after he adopted my brothers and I. At the time I did not realize that he had to adopt us because he was not our biological father. It took me until I was 18 years old and about to leave for college when I finally let my father know I knew he was not my biological father. I remember coming home from a night of drinking and being beyond drunk. I remember him pressing me up against the wall, for a reason I do not remember at the moment, and yelling at me. That is when I said the words that ruined our relationship “You’re not even my real father.” When I was a kid I grew up in a “normal” household. I never had to struggle for anything in my life. I had everything paid for me. I also never had to deal with any real-life situations because if any situations arose my brothers would handle it for me. I was extremely sheltered. That is also why I think that I started to act out. When I was 12 years old my brother Kyle and I decided to do one of my biggest regrets in life and that was go around breaking windows. We did this with two of our best friends at the time. We spent two nights in a row going around destroying over $30,000 worth of stuff. This was the night that my life changed for the first time. Before I got arrested I was the kid in school who went by his own rules. Which means that I was always in trouble. I am pretty sure I set my middle schools record for most in-school suspensions in one year (I should have a trophy for that!). But this type of behavior continued throughout my 9th grade year in high school. It is what led to staff not liking me that much and students not being able to hang out with me because parents thought of me as the “bad kid” and rightfully so. When I got arrested for being one of the “Grinch’s who Ruined Christmas.”, the name in which the newspaper gave us, it was the first time in my life that I had to come to conclusion I was not above everyone. That my actions did have consequences. We all received one year probation for our actions and a hefty fine. I remember the feeling of shame I felt every single time I had to go down to the office in my school and take a piss test. Or when I had to tell my friends I couldn’t go out because I had a curfew at nine. This is an instance also were my parents went above and beyond and paid for my entire fine. Being arrested at such a young age is what changed me as a person the first time. After being arrested I stopped getting in trouble at school and started focusing on my grades and sports. Luckily, I did not have to worry about the fine because my parents went above and beyond their duties and paid for it all. By the end of my senior year I was one of the most liked individuals in the school, by staff and peers, and had a 3.6 GPA. Talk about a major change. This was because after being arrested is when I developed my anxiety. I developed the anxiety due to the fact I felt the stigma of being arrested. I thought that every individual was going to be judging me for it and that no parents would ever allow me to hang out with their kids again. No one ever knew that every single day I had thoughts in my head that went “If you make fun of someone you will get bad karma.” or “If you lie to this individual you will go to hell.” and other numerous thoughts along those lines. That is why I have always prided myself on being “Real.” It is because my anxiety does not allow me to be anything else. So let’s get back to when I broke my father’s heart the summer before I left for college. After him hearing what I said, I was later told that he went to the room and cried for the entire night. I was stupid for not telling him I was sorry for ever saying that. I live with that guilt every single day of my life. So then I leave for college.
While at college I barely speak to my family because I am too caught up in the campus life scene. College was where I developed my Adderall addiction. Don’t get me wrong college was an awesome time. But looking back on it I wish that I would have taken it more serious and I also wish that I spoke to my father while I was at school other than to just ask him for money. Or for a ride home. You can tell that the relationship was broken at this point and time. After attending college for four years, I made the second biggest mistake of my life and I dropped out to be with a girl who I thought truly liked me. While reading my posts you’ll see a common theme of girls being one of my biggest downfalls in life. Kind of like Hercules when he gives up his powers for Meg in that movie lol. That is the first time I am admitting to individuals that I did not finish college. And the reason was for a girl. Or love I guess one can say. Dropping out of college only furthered my anxiety and it is when I started to deal with depression. After dropping out of college I went to live with my mother at the time and this is when my father and her were starting to separate due to him cheating on her. When I found out that he cheated on her, that is when I stopped speaking to him completely. I was heartbroken that the person I looked up to the most would let me down in that way. While I was living with my mother I was still an addict. I was taking Adderall just to take it. I know for a fact that Adderall is what led to me losing a lot of my friends and for me developing more of a mental illness. To people reading this who take it, STOP. It is the dumbest thing to take and it could destroy your life. Anyway, while living with my mother she is unable to keep the apartment we are staying at the time so I have to move in with my girlfriend at the time. This is where my Adderall addiction became an obsession. I remember staying up multiple nights in a row just taking the Adderall for no reason. I like to attribute to the fact that my family was broken. My brothers and I weren’t talking at the time. My mother and father were going through a separation. My father was looking at prison time for a crime he committed. All of this led to me further spiraling down a deep depression rabbit hole. So after a year goes by of me living with my girlfriend at the time, I receive the text that changed my life for the second time. That was the text that my father had killed himself. I remember the feeling that I had in my stomach after this happened. It was one of pure guilt and shame. The last thing my father and I talked about a year prior was me cursing him out and telling him that I hated him because he kept treating me like shit. Never in a million years did I think that would be the last conversation I had with my role model growing up. To make matters worse, I decided that it was smart to show up late to his wake because I was still pissed at him. That is something that I regret until this day. I also think it’s something my family looks at me differently for. My relationship with my one brother has not been the same since my father killed himself. Two weeks pass by after my father’s wake and I am being told that I have to move out of my girlfriend’s house because the relationship just isn’t working anymore and she is pregnant with another individual’s baby. Now it was my fault for not speaking to my family while living with her but it still hurt like hell having to go home to a family that I knew I left behind for a girl who did not even truly love me. Also dropping out of college for a girl who did not truly love me. All of these choices were my own. So here I am 22 years old dealing with depression, anxiety, and a broken heart. I move into my mothers and step-fathers house at the time and I start taking more Adderall to deal with the pain. Looking back at it I did not know I was depressed but now that I am more educated on the topic I was in a major depression. All I was doing was working, taking Adderall, and working out. I was not speaking to any of my friends that I grew up with and I was feeling sorry for myself.
That was until I met the girl of my dreams. She changed everything for me. I started taking less and less Adderall. I felt that I was able to connect with someone again. We talked all day and night. Until I was hit once again with another tragic situation. My mother was diagnosed with Stage 3 Breast Cancer. This spiraled my back into my depression. My mother’s relationship and mine was strained because I felt some type of way for her not telling me about my father’s suicidal tendencies. So her and I were speaking less and less at the time. It was as if the situation with my father was repeating itself in a different way. I did not want to lose my mother 6 months after losing my dad. Having to see my mother go through chemotherapy is something that will always be in my head. It is something I would never wish anyone had to deal with or see. My mother receiving this diagnosis is what led to me getting back into my Adderall ways. About a few months go by and me and the girl from my hometown start to have a sexual relationship. Meanwhile, this is the only person I am speaking to at the time at all. I was so consumed with her that I did not care about anyone else. Sad to say but true. So after I destroyed the relationship by becoming crazy, She stopped talking to me and blocked me on every social media website and rightfully so. This is what pushed me off the deep end. This is what sent me into the pits of hell I like to call Suicidal Thoughts. Every single day I had a voice in my head telling me that if I just killed myself everything would be okay. That none of this was worth it. That if I just went and grabbed the knife from the drawer all my problems would go away. I was too much of a coward to do it so I just kept taking more Adderall. Not realizing that I was doing exactly what the voices wanted me to do. I never admitted this to anyone but I am pretty sure my brother and his girlfriend know, I tried to kill myself one time. I took about 30 or so pills and went over to his house. Luckily, I have an angel looking out for me on the other side and I somehow did not die. I was pissed. It was as if I couldn’t even kill myself because the depression was winning. By now all of the people reading my posts know about how music brought me into actual hell and how I had to fight the devil and demons. It was this fight that changed my life for the third time. You ever hear the expression you have to want to die in order to realize how much you want to live? Well that is what happened with me. I fought the biggest battle of my life and I won. I looked the devil right in his face and I told him that I was better than him. I told him that God is the reason why I am alive and that he was not going to get me anymore with his addictions, fear, and mental illness. The reason why I tell my story is because I am just your normal every day American. Yet, I have been through a battle with mental illness and suicide that I need to share my story for the individuals that are in the pits of hell that are Suicidal Thoughts. I am living proof that things GET BETTER. I dropped out of college, had a girl get pregnant with her exes baby, had my father kill himself, had my mother get stage 3 breast cancer, had numerous family members die, saw my mother go through a mental breakdown herself, lost connection with all of my friends, almost killed myself, and had a battle with Satan. I could be dead right now. Fuck it. I should be dead right now but I am not because God is living through me with a message. IT GETS EASIER. Depression and Anxiety does not win. The pits of hell called Suicidal Thoughts you can come back from. You got to go through hell to get to big things and when it feels like things can’t get worse that’s when it changes. I went through all of this and came out the best version of myself. I am clean, I am working towards a great career that will influence individual’s lives, and the best thing of all was I got to talk with my role model Marty Krakower one last time. Until next post, Take Care..
It’s just G.